I will never forget the day that I realized my “it gets better” stage of life was not actually any better because I was still miserable inside.
It was a beautiful Fall afternoon, the kind of day that always seemed to fill my heart with hope for the future. The crisp, cool air was incredibly refreshing after a sweltering summer.
Our long-hoped for and hard-earned family home still felt new and was finally coming together after living there for a little more than a year. We painted the walls my favorite shade of blue and hung family pictures all around reminding us of happy memories. There were toys strewn about, hinting at the fun my 1-year-old had been having that morning while her big sisters were at school. And to top it all off, my daughter was now napping peacefully.
And I was sobbing on the kitchen floor.
This life was everything I had dreamed of; every hope I had clung to during those long years away from home while my husband did his medical training. “It would get better one day,” they said. But here I was, and still, it wasn’t enough.
Cue: All. The. Guilt.
I should be happy.
I should be grateful.
I should be able to keep myself together.
I should love being with my kids 24 hours a day.
I should find some peace or release in running.
I should not be struggling, because so many other women have it so much harder than I do.
The time I spend in prayer every day should fix any problems I’m having and make me happy and willing to sacrifice as a “good mom” would do.
Prayer didn’t even seem to help, so I started to believe nothing would. These condemning thoughts flew through my brain at 100 miles an hour. I felt powerless to stop them and unable to find my way out of this horrible mess.
I felt completely and utterly alone.
The breakdown on the kitchen floor changed everything. I knew I could no longer survive in this place. I had to get help. I had to take action.
That moment was the catalyst to start my journey learning how to dismiss harmful ways of thinking that spread like deadly poison into every area of my life.
While my own journey continues to this day, what matters most is that I blossomed out of my old self—that woman who was sobbing on her beautiful kitchen floor in her beautiful house surrounded by her beautiful family on that beautiful day. I have grown and I have changed.
And not only have I blossomed, but I have found peace and freedom that I never believed possible.
And that’s why I’m here. To share my story. To speak the truth that God is with you even in the midst of your darkest night. You are loved and He will provide for you. Come along with me; share in my joys and sorrows, and allow me to walk with you in yours. Let’s join our journeys! I’d love to connect with you on Instagram at @jenayfranco or on Facebook.
You are not alone, sweet sister. May God’s peace be with you today and always!